Home
“Home - can’t find a way there” says Google Maps. Indeed. Me neither, Google, me neither....
(Spring 2024)
“Home - can’t find a way there” says Google Maps. Indeed. Me neither, Google, me neither. And so I am endeavoring to create a new home. To find it. Make it. Source it, even.
I feel very much at sea these days. Swimming in loss. And swimming in disconnectedness.
As I began the trip to and through Spain with Ben - the feeling of betrayal intensifies. Delayed flights. Exhaustion. Body aches. Frustrations in communication in a foreign language. The feelings of disconnection are amplified.
I take a bath, at the hotel in Madrid - and I let my weary body relax in the support of the hot water. I begin to weep.
I cannot find my way home. I have been trying for 45 years. And the death of my brother seemingly shattered the tenuous bridge I had built over the last 10 or 15 years to reach my parents, and even my sister and Aunt. They feel impossible to reach. And they are cold.
Maybe this death broke them too. Maybe it’s just me. I just don’t fit and I never have. I am not like them. In any way, except genetics. I feel like a different species.
As I look out the window of the train from Madrid to San Sebastian, we pass through small town after small town. I wonder - are the people here at home/ Are they seen and heard? Which of these new places or people will feel like home to me?